We are living in an age of escalating dread… with random killings, bombings, racist terror, and seemingly endless wars. We are all feeling vulnerable, and these reminders of our mortality are intensified for me because of the changes taking place in my own house.
I have lived in the same home for 45 years; originally built in 1937, it’s a big house surrounded by adobe walls, on an acre of land that needs lots of attention. It has been the refuge and ceremonial foundation of our family life; we have celebrated all the lifecycle events here, and survive the traumas; I shudder at the thought of leaving the sacred grounds.
Alas, the time has clearly come to downsize; the house is old, the plumbing needs replacement, the heating and air-conditioning pumps need upgrading, and all these external changes are mirrored in the breakdowns of our own pipes and pumps. We are getting old (the kids and grandkids remind us we have already arrived), and if we move I’d like this to be the last one.
The question is, where do we go? We’ve looked at retirement communities, some luxurious with five-star concierge services and offering graduated care should you ever need it. Even the more modest ones seem like end-of-the-road “gray farms” of impending decay to me. It’s not my cup of tea, I don’t want to live in such a closed community. I need a place where I can stroll with young and old people, a community with arts, theater, music, a corner coffee shop to sip and have a conversation.
The Phoenix downtown is experiencing a vibrant revitalization and has all those options available, but my wife is less enthusiastic about the neighborhood; she would prefer a 55+ gated community with amenities and planned activities. The thought of it makes me cringe.
In three weeks we will be married for 55 years, it’s been a wonderful, loving partnership with plenty of challenging times and we are committed to hanging out together. However, I’ve got to say that I’m not use to living in such bewildering and uncertain times and it’s intensifying my vulnerabilities.
In these times that frighten and demoralize us, remember what you value most because that will inspire and give you hope.
Best wishes in finding the perfect home that supports both of you!
Come north to Pine. Stunningly beautiful, great weather (4 seasons), many active adults here, but NOT a “senior” community. The village of Pine & its sister village Strawbry are in the center of Arizona, and convenient to anywhere here– an hour & 1/2 to Phoenix (for big city fix), Sedona, Jerome, Prescott, many other options. There are 4 gated communities here. We live in the newest, Portal IV, where we have our own underground (not septic) sewer system and quality well water from the Mogollon Rim right behind us. Prices are great for homes (why we moved from NJ in June), since property values still haven’t quite recovered from the 2008 slump. Payson is 15 minutes away. You’re welcome to come up for a look-around & stay with us (I’ve been reading your books for years thanks to my friend Larry Littlebird) in our guest room. Or stay at the Beeling B&B run by our wonderful (new) friends. Best, Dale Bellisfield RN, HN-BC, RH (AHG), 201-759-5134
Carl, a seeming compromise for you and your wife, should it exist in your area (assuming you want to stay in Phoenix), are the nice retirement communities that are connected to a university (or very close by).
Happy Hanukah!
Stevie
What an absolutely wonderful time in your life! A little advice: involve your girls. Ask them if they want you close by. I felt my parents were vulnerable and my terror was more of a dread of what was going to happen to them next when they were so far away from me. After much coaxing, they moved to my city, so that I could check on them more and not have to rely on others. Your girls will be a big help when you start to need toting to the Dr. office visits and help getting your “stuff” (Meds, groceries, etc.). I say that tongue in cheek, but in home health care, it is a reality I see everyday.
Seriously, the sky is the limit, your glorious new space awaits you!! New places and faces to see!!!! Exciting times!!
Congratulations on 55 years!
Carl, I, like you thought retirement communities were a “gray farm” but I was pleasantly surprised to find the +55 community (Sun City Festival) we bought in was very active. It has been great so far. No children though.
Thanks for suggestions and support, it’s an ongoing dialogue. :O)
Carl, your books and example have been an inspiration to me over many years and through many changes – moving across the world, recovering from serious life-threatening illness – and more. I hold your situation in my heart along with the loving certainty that in our vulnerability lies the opportunity to find great strength. Namaste
Hi Carl,
Please keep in mind that where ever you live, your unique commentaries are so appreciated. Please don’t ever let our culture’s rampant ageism restrain you. We Elders need to stand tall. No one else is.
Last year, I moved from AZ to NJ to be near my daughter and her family. I swore off home ownership, and after a year of apartment living, will embrace it again. For three months, I wrestled with what my dream home should be. My fantasies ricocheted between restoring a Sandy-destroyed beachfront foreclosure and a 55+ community, yes the “gray farm.” The former was totally impractical but I could not pull away from the idea. The house was how I envisioned my future. I’m not ready to just hang it up and hang-out. If you are still working, as I am, the +55 who go to bingo and shuffleboard does not happen to me. (I will be 70 in a few months).
In a few days, I will be closing on a house, a +55 plus home where a river runs through the back and easily gazed on from the all-glass rear porch. I’m no longer up for the ocean in waves in my backyard, especially after Sandy, but look forward to staring at the ripples.
It was hard for me to find a place that “fit’ and fitting for two must be more complex. On the other hand, the people who make up our lives ultimately make the place “right,” not the physical structure. And do we really know what will make us happy until we jump in?
But I know what would make me temporarily miserable: facing the downsizing you and Elaine must do to move on. Oh my gosh, what beautiful collections you have on your walls. Good luck. I got so fed up with packing and unpacking I started to think about tiny houses, but I like my tchotchokes too much.
In my mind, there are two really important points in the above comments — the structure doesn’t make the community, the people do; and staying close to family so they can help and support your aging life. You know we are here to continue those conversations with you too.